Cycles of Bitterness
I’ve been in a bitter mindset the last couple days–you know that feeling where you keep thinking about things people have done in the past to hurt you and it’s like, kind of fun just to be bitter about it. It’s sort of like a temporary addiction, where it’s like you enjoy being bitter and running over negative things and thinking about how you should have handled it, how you should have spoken up, told someone off, cut them off etc. I’ll literally think to myself “i’m bored thinking about this upsetting thing. What other upsetting things have happened to me that I can be pissed about?”
It sounds so unhealthy, but at the same time, I guess there’s a purpose for feeling like this, so I don’t try to run from it. I embrace my emotions, even when they’re bitter and mean–I don’t let that affect my real world behavior of course, but in my head, I’m going through these cycles of anger. I do have control over it though. I guess that’s why I do it, so I can feel my emotions and understand them.
This used to be a much bigger problem for me, like I remember when I was working as a line cook, some shifts I’d go the whole shift just thinking about things people had done to me, like consumed with anger–but just inside my head, like I could still do my job and interact with people just fine, but underneath I’d be consumed with bitterness and unable to find a healthier perspective.
Nowadays on the rare occasion when this happens, it feels much more like a choice–like I could break out of it if I wanted to, but I choose to experience it again. I suppose coming here to write about it is part of me breaking the cycle.
But I wonder if other people do this too–I mean, I’m sure they do–I don’t know why I’m even asking. Of course I’m not the only one who does this.
But right now, my bitterness over these different things–like an old girlfriend treating me like crap on my birthday, family members telling me I deserve to die for my beliefs, a girl who friend-zoned me in a cruel manner–stuff from decades ago–anyway, it doesn’t feel deeply internal–it’s more like a movie playing out, almost like the bitterness isn’t actually real. It’s just a temporary experience or carnival ride rather than a reality. Back in the day it used to feel actually real, and these cycles of anger would make me actually depressed and I’d actually want to get away from everyone and hide. It’s not like that anymore, thankfully.
So I guess my advice to myself would be that it’s okay to explore these cycles, just so long as I don’t let it affect my actual reality, and as long as I stay in control. But I guess that advice just isn’t going to help someone who feels completely out of control in their own mind. Sometimes it feels like when you’re in your own head, the best way to find your control over your mental health and state of mind, is to give up control. Give up control in calculated ways. Choose when and how you give up control to these kinds of things. Explore who you are, even if you don’t like who you are. Take conscious and deliberate charge over that exploration and then go for a ride ride.
The Joy of Public Transit
So a few days ago I got home from another trip to see friends and family in Seattle and Bellingham. In Seattle, my friend’s car broke down on the way to pick me up at the airport. He found himself stranded on the side of the road and had to bail on me. So I looked up Uber and found it would be well over $100, so I decided to figure out Seattle’s Link Light Rail, which, even at 10PM, would get me %80 of the way to his house, so that’s what I did. First thing I noticed was that there was actually a surprising number of passengers for 10PM. I still got a seat though. But then a few stops later was the stadium. People poured on, to the point where the train could not fit any more. I think it was a concert because they weren’t wearing sports gear. Then a couple stops later was called “Symphony”, which I assume is right near the symphony orchestra. A bunch of people in nice clothes got on. Then there were all these other people with these cards that said “Yay” on one side and “Nay” on another. The train was packed shoulder to shoulder all the way to the very last stop in Lynnwood at freaking midnight. Midnight at the very last stop and it’s still packed. Like wow, Seattle sure made a good investment in their Link Light rail. It’s definitely getting used.
But the most interesting thing about this experience, was just how joyful it was. I must have seen 40 or more people unable to get on the train because it was too crowded, and even those people seemed filled with joy. The ride itself was constant chatter and laughter. Every stop was like this hilarious game of human Tetris. Two girls sat in the seat next to me, one on the other’s lap and it felt like they were having the greatest night of their lives. I’m not sure what was going on in Seattle that night–guess it was a really good concert, combined with a really good symphony and a successful voting session (I wonder what they were voting on).
Anyway, it was almost like I had not felt this much collective happiness crammed into such a small space since the last time I was in a mosh pit at a Tool concert. It was like this deep psychic, positive connection with humanity.
And so obviously, from now on, I’m going to ride the Link Light Rail as far as I can next time I go to Seattle, and just get my buddy to pick me up at the train station, saving him an hour or so of driving.
And it reminded me of a part in one of those Pope Francis books I listened to where he said one of the worst aspects of being the pope is not being able to ride public transit anymore. Something about public transit helped him connect with the people. He mentioned some studies that show that people who choose public transit over automobiles tend to be happier.
Cars vs public transit is one of those subtle mental health issues that people don’t talk about but is so plainly obvious. Whenever I see people driving they’re always pissed off, honking and screaming at each other, calling people idiots etc, but when you’re on the bus or train–well okay, it’s usually not like that night on Link Light Rail. It’s usually just people on their phones, keeping to themselves, but if you really pay attention to how happy people are, you can clearly and obviously see that people are generally happier on buses and trains than they are behind the wheel of automobiles.
How To Cure Depression
So one of the reasons I haven’t written in a few weeks is that I’ve been working on an article I call “How To Cure Depression”, which is like a tall order. They say that if you are writing something and you’re scared of how people will react, and you’re somehow embarrassed by it, that you’re doing something right. That seems to be how this one is for me. I’m scared people will react negatively, tell me I’m ignorant, that I don’t have any idea what depression really is, that I’m just an ableist white male privileged asshole who wants to fix everyone.
In my experience, the best way to offend or enrage a chronically depressed person is to give them quality, science-based advice about how to cope with depression. So often I see people posting about a depressive episode and a whole bunch of people will comment with a bunch of useless fluff–“We love you”, “keep your chin up”, “you deserve happiness”, “you have a right to be yourself”–I mean, those things are true, but they do nothing to help a depressed person actually get on better mental pathways. I never see people on social media actually offering science based advice or links to articles about healthy mental outlooks and behaviors, even though there are a ton of resources out there. I wonder if that’s because people lash out at real advice.
But hopefully this will be different because it’s in article form instead of unsolicited advice. I’ll put a warning at the top that states “If you’re seriously depressed, a lot of what I’m going to say is going to offend you.” Or something like that.
It’s one of those articles that really challenges my self-confidence as a writer–obviously I’m not doing it the way I do these freewrites. I’m actually editing, rewriting, planning etc, as opposed to these entries that are basically just a super fast mind dump–why I call this a “speed blog”.
But my goal with this article is to cram as many mental health concepts as I can into about 6 or 8 thousand words, like a 30 or 40 minute read. I’ve never seen anyone attempt an article like this. Sure, there’s tons of mental health articles out there, but they all focus on one or two concepts. I have maybe 50 or 100 different concepts and techniques that I’m trying to cover in one article, just one or two sentences for each–basically a mental health cheat sheet or series of jumping off points. People can just copy each paragraph into chatGPT and say “Expand on what this guy is saying. How can I apply this? Here is my specific situation…” In theory, even if people only listen to a tiny fraction of what I have to say in the article, I can still add a lot of value to their lives.
But for some reason these types of things worry me, like I’m scared people will react hatefully toward it, and I’m not sure why. It’s a pretty irrational fear–well, maybe not. I don’t know. People sometimes react in really negative ways to extreme positivity and life advice–like my ex who told me that the whole self-improvement community is a community of assholes, and then just refused to explain or expand on her statement.
Anyway, I don’t know what my point is here. I need to get back to working on it. I was lazy during my trip to Washington, only working on it once.
End this entry
Okay, time for me to stop writing. This was a decent session. I’m going to try making sections from now on in these freewrites, with like, subject headers.
I wonder if maybe I should break my entries up into different posts on Medium. Like this one was three pretty distinct, unrelated subjects that I just happened to be talking about all in the same entry. I dunno, though, for some reason that feels like spamming, like if I wrote three entries a week, each with two or three topics, I’d be posting nearly every day to Medium.
Okay, I need to stop. I never seem to be able to make myself stop writing once I get going.
This did seem to change my mental state–I think–like, being bitter doesn’t sound fun anymore.
