Oh man, I don’t think I’ve been this depressed since the COVID lockdown.
I wish I could just be selfish. I’m a cis white male and real-estate investor. From a purely selfish level, it won’t be that bad for me assuming we don’t have a civil war, which is a huge assumption. But most of my friends and partners are queer or trans, at least here in Pittsburgh, so I fear for their safety.
And you know, the other thing is that I think that my message and strategy on life will become even more advantageous for me
–I just paused to post an event for a kink party. Life goes on ya know. I still have a truly amazing life that is far better than anything I could have hoped for as a child.
But I guess I was saying that people are itching for someone like me with a message like mine.
I’m a peace, compassion and freedom extremist. Right now all we have is nastiness–and no, I don’t mean from just the Trump supporters. I mean everyone has turned nasty–well, no, not everyone. People like me and my mom and the friends I allow into my life, we have maintained our compassion for the most part with some exceptions I guess, but by and large, obviously throughout the Trump supporters but also through many liberals–just so much anger and hatred.
Elon Musk is a perfect example. He supported Joe Biden. He voted for Biden, but Biden just spit it back in his face and treated him like crap as the whole rest of the liberal community treated him like crap and lied about his accomplishments and where he comes from and so many other things that the hateful and problematic parts of Elon just became worse and worse. It’s like the conservative father who beats his kids and keeps telling them they’re worthless shit and then they grow up to become criminals and dad says “see I told you they deserved them beatings.”
That’s what Joe Biden and the rest of the liberals did to Elon.
It’s just one big hate fest.
They dragged us down to their level and then beat us with experience. And we fell for it.
But in a way I’m happy that things are really going to change going forward. Maybe it’ll be a civil war. It’s going to be awful in the short term.
Anarchism. I was an anarchist for so many years and in a way I still am. This is kind of what I wanted. A complete breakdown of law and order. But I didn’t want it like this. I wanted us to admit that violence doesn’t work as a solution to crime. But it’s like, Trump folks are anarchists who make up rules as they go, and then break them however they please. Break and ignore or brutally enforce rules based on what’s best for their own pocket books and self image. It works exactly as it did back in 6th through 8th grades for me. They are working to break down law and order entirely by lying about their support of it. They ignore and spit in the face of rape survivors.
But it’s no rules anymore. We can’t have any respect for law and order when a gang rapist sits on the Supreme Court and someone with so many crimes behind him as Trump is in the White House.
And it occurred to me, if they can do all this, ignore rape and sexual assault, relentlessly spam people, spread hate and intimidation to the point where we can’t even put up a fucking rainbow flag in our yard for fear of being beaten to death by Trump supporters.
But I’ve been following rules that I don’t need to follow.
If they’ve really decided that they want this new world, well then they can’t expect people like me to not make up our own rules just the same way they are.
So I don’t know why I’ve been following rules like how I don’t mention the real names of the people who have done horrible things to me, like the other day, talking about my cousin, I never said his name, Brad Holmes. I just looked him up. Brad Holmes of the La Conner police department in Washington State. I just read an article about him that made him look really good, described him as compassionate, talked about how he did a lot of search and rescue for hikers and kayakers and crisis negotiation, talking people down from doing stupid things. I do have a lot of respect for those things.
But it’s like, I still can’t just ignore what he did so many years ago. I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. He choked me, held a hammer over my head and made me beg for my life, forced a false confession out of me then promised that he would be a police officer someday and if I ever said anything about this he would use his police resources to have me killed and make it look like an accident.
I wonder if he even remembers. I’ve spent my whole life struggling with the memory of this and he may not even remember.
And I don’t want any sort of vengeance or cancel crap or silent treatment or any other kinds of vengeance. What I want more than anything is to talk it through with him.
That’s ultimately the message I want to communicate with my entire life: peace, freedom and open communication.
Like Jesus.
I like to ask myself What Would Jesus Do?
Why don’t we ask this question anymore?
Jesus would seek to talk it out peacefully to find solutions that work for everyone without ever resorting to vengeance or even the hint of vengeance. That’s what I want.
Been watching a lot of Little House on the Prairie–oh Lord how I wish we could go back to conservatives like we had in that show. In like the first or second season, Laura, who is effectively the primary character, basically comes out to her family as trans. They didn’t use modern language of course, but that’s basically what the writers described and the family was just chill about it and talked it out.
Where was I going with this?
I’ve been thinking of going to church–like a different church every Sunday to just learn about religion and meet people of Pittsburgh and maybe get involved in some of their charity work. Is that a thing that people do? Go to a different church every Sunday? That’s like not offensive or anything is it? I know so little about religion I’m gonna have to ask a lot of questions to avoid offending people if I do this. But I have kind of decided to do this, but not necessarily soon. But maybe it will be soon. I’m not sure.
And it’s like, I’m an Atheist, but part of me rather blames atheism for this giant collapse of common human decency.
Oh yeah, that’s why I brought up Little House–there was an episode, one of only like two or three where the dad actually commits any sort of violence. His wife is assaulted and he goes off to attack the dudes who did it and someone tries to stop him and Charles says something like “If you wouldn’t go attack this guy then you are a better Christian than me.”
And I thought well if that’s the definition of good Christian, then Jesus is probably pretty happy with me… at least the modern me… me of times past might leave something to be desired–
What the hell am I getting at?
I’m trying to be a good Christian. That’s like, the most important thing in my life, being a good Christian. We can ignore the fact that I’m still an atheist.
As a society, we’re not right with Jesus.
It’s always gonna be sour grapes for you until you get it right with Jesus.
And Jesus of course is a metaphor for peace and compassion and our connection to nature and our community. You can’t find him just by going to church and reading the bible. You have to connect with and understand people and learn to forgive those who hate you.
People need that right now.
They don’t need vengeance. They don’t need a civil war.
This entry didn’t go at all like I thought it would.
Was going to talk about my aunts Dee and Marolyn–yeah, I’m using real names now. This is Trump’s America and they voted for this so if that’s the way it’s going to be then the only thing I can do is try to be just as open and honest about everything. That’s our only defense against the Trump army. We’ve got to relentlessly tell the truth against their lies. Both on the large political scale and on the small family scale.
Dee was abusive and neglectful toward Brad when we were kids. I remember my mom complaining to me about how she would hit him instead of talking to him when he misbehaved and how she cared more about her boyfriends than she did about him and my mom kept saying it would lead him toward violence. Dee refused to listen and I paid the consequences with what was the most traumatizing event of my childhood, something that still tortures me.
And now they vote for my continued suffering, knowing that I live in daily fear of police brutality, and they vote for the suffering of my mom, their own sister, whose mental health never recovered after Trump won in 2016. They voted to deport people she cared about and told her they didn’t care if her friends’ families were torn apart. They pretend to love her on the surface, but underneath, they hate who she is and just don’t care how deeply they hurt her.
But we’ve got to solve this through compassion, not continued cycles of aggression.
We are all human beings and we are all in this together. If I was just going on saying these people are awful horrible punish them that would make everything worse. That kind of attitude is what got all this going in the beginning.
We must move away from the us-vs-them attitude. I’m not trying to fight, I’m trying to talk and communicate.
We need to learn how to forgive. That’s what I want to do.
Saturday, December 7, 2024
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